Nine heads up on how to prepare for the fourth trimester
No 1 – INVEST IN A DOUNUT PILLOW & HEAL UP
No 2 – THE CLEANOUT POOPS *Read at your own peril – you may think twice about having kids*
No 3 – TAKE A NAP WHEN BABY DOES!
No 4 – MY UNIQUE CONTRACTION RHYTHM
No 5 – IT’S OK NOT TO BE BREASTFEEDING
No 6 – TRUST YOUR MATERNAL INSTINCTS
No 7 – DIASTASIS RECTI
No 8 – HAIR LOSS
No 9 – IGNORE SUBLIMINAL, UNSOLICITED ADVICE, AND THE ODD STEREO-TYPE COMMENTS
Pregnancy and Birth should be a compulsory part of the Curriculum, universally. The truth of the matter, it isn’t all rainbows or unicorns. No amount of literature or nesting could have prepared me for what they call the ‘fourth trimester‘ also known as; Postpartum.
Did I educate myself? yes, the hand on my heart ‘I thought’ I had read it all. Let’s face it, no book can give you the fine details of the first six – twelve weeks, postpartum everything is in small print, sure books tell you about everything from the baby blues to a paragraph or two about urinary incontinence.
I coincidentally fell pregnant at the same time as an old childhood friend of mine, we were lucky to have one another to share this glowing journey of pregnancy, we fed off each other’s hormonally imbalanced minds, I did not fall short of knowledge. Indeed, I had a group of friends who all maybe apart from one had not gone through pregnancy, and most of the time they had no idea what on earth I was talking about.
There are a lot of things I was oblivious to about the part of when the baby comes out? I was in for a rude awakening. The truth is, there will be tears and little rest, sadly newborn babies do not come with instructions. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry the first two to three months after giving birth.
When you are in the notions of pregnancy the first, second, and third trimesters are all that occupies you, you don’t anticipate babies arrival, let’s get real you don’t have time to be searching for the answers either, you subconsciously think you can wing it.
The ‘i’ll be alright’ positive mental attitude which is an uplifting approach to have, those who know me know I am all for the ‘positive mantra’ however, it is like getting thrown into the deep end with the sharks. You receive endless advice, tips, personal anecdotes, even the silly superstitions (if you are from an Asian upbringing) left, right, and centre from everyone and you’re grandparents.
Unless you go through it you won’t know what works for you and how to tackle every challenge that gets thrown your way – apparently that’s parenting for you! Growing and nurturing your flesh and blood is something you cannot wing.
As a first-time Mombie, I came to learn plenty of why did nobody tell me that and I am about to share with you all. Some of what I am going to share I never read in any book, nor did anyone tell me or did I find browsing on any internet forum, not even my Mum believe it or not! I know I wish I had somewhere to seek some advice.
Thankfully I was able to survive most of my postpartum experience with the approach and support from the best NHS Midwifery team and a good family support, subtracting all of the below I am about to share – the vital part, the dialogue.
Some of my pointers and tips, whatever you want to call them might be valuable to you, you may not even have to encounter any of the below. If I can be some kind of beacon of light and clue in at least one person I feel like I have done my job.
Remember, this is all from personal experience. I am not an expert or claim to be. My nine heads up on how to ‘not sweat the fourth trimester’. *Do be warned if you are easily queasy some parts maybe graphical*
#No 1 – INVEST IN A DONUT PILLOW & HEAL UP
Everything will seem pretty daunting and a bit of a massive blur when you arrive home, your hormones will be on an extra high. Don’t be hard on yourself, rest up as much as you feel you need to. Bravo – you have probably done the single hardest thing you have ever had to do, give birth to a human being, undoubtedly you feel like you want to curl up in a corner somewhere.
The first thing you want to do is take a baby on his/her first outing, show them off to the world. If you can avoid it try not to leave the house for at least two weeks. If you do want to take them out make sure it is nowhere too crowded. If you’ve had a caesarean, episiotomy/third-degree tear whichever it is you’ll be feeling pretty sore somewhere in the below region, my episiotomy did not fully heal until after five months of my giving birth.
I was advised to use salt baths, unfortunately they never worked for me, a pressure relief cushion also known as a donut pillow saved my life. The less pressure on your wound the better, a donut pillow will make the process of healing quicker. I had two donut pillows, one I bought online (amazon) and one my son’s Father made out of nothing – talk about hands on.
I had also lost one litre of blood and was high on iron tablets. Physically my body was weak and mentally depleted. I felt the biggest shift in my body completely, at one point I thought I was hallucinating. The only thing that I could do was to just allow my body to heal in its own time and ride it out, do not rush the healing process you have all the time in the world to get back to your normal self.
Add to your hospital bag list a plastic jug! it will come in handy when you need to dilute your urine when going for those first couple of visits to the toilet, it will sting, don’t say I didn’t tell you so. If you are easily queasy you might want to skip reading the next part, this isn’t to scare any new Mum’s I rather keep the real talk than to sugar coat.
I encountered three insertions of catheters during my labour, it was pretty horrendous – nobody gave me that note either; if you can’t pass urine during labour, which is most likely as contractions can interrupt this they would need to insert a catheter to empty your bladder for you.
Lucky you if you had an easy birth, I rarely hear about those, they are a result of hypnobirthing, something I vaguely looked into and regretted did not look into more (*note to self for next baby). I missed some of my bonding time with my baby because I was in so much pain and occupied with taking medication, in and out of the GP constantly, anxious about when I was going to heal wanting to rush the healing process.
It was then I did suffer from mild postnatal depression – something that is real and true and nobody likes to admit they suffer from, post natal depression or any mental illness at any level is nothing to be ashamed of the majority most women have it they just don’t talk about it – here we talk about it. I managed to overcome mine with solid support from my midwife, the perspective that I had a beautiful baby boy and that there is a solution for everything mindset, I asked myself why must I feel down?
YES it is possible to overcome postnatal depression. So, invest in a donut pillow and stock up on some adult nappies and plenty of maternity pads too the best ones are the BOOTS chemist brand, you will bleed quite heavily for a while after giving birth, this could last up to a few weeks to a month so be prepared.
I was reluctant to take any painkillers, thinking I didn’t want my poor body to suffer with more medication and my body becoming immune to the prescribed drugs, ibuprofen was my best friend at the time and help ease the pain. If you haven’t received a push present already from the other half, I never heard of the term until my best friend asked if I had received a gift for putting myself into this great phenomenon of child birth, the big PUSH.
Go and treat yourself, get that house special sushi you have been craving for, and just take it easy. Make your space like your sanctuary, have fresh covers and pillows, have loads of clean fresh loungewear at the ready. You get a hall pass for perhaps looking like a sloth, but don’t worry it won’t be for too long.
#No 2 – THE CLEANOUT POOPS *Read at your own peril – you may think twice about having kids*
If you thought giving birth was an obstacle of its own, be ready for the postpartum poopy poops. I know two women who claimed they had suffered from it, one with all three of her children.
How can I explain this in the most subtle way possible? Forget it, I can’t! No hydration, dates or prunes down your gut nothing and I mean nothing will stop the rock hard stool that feels like it is trapped in the depths of your inner digestive system.
You will indeed get some level of constipation that will make you feel am I giving birth to triplets?! My constipation was as torturous as being deprived of no sleep, enough to break me out in chilled like sweats and leave me bowlegged.
On my second week of giving birth, I had some sort of clean out from my bowels.
I called my midwives and asked if this was normal? needless to say, I was super embarrassed, but who cared half my pride already went out the window the moment I was in labour – its the ‘postpartum clean out’ no one talks about and I mean no one!
Apparently it occurs from all the medication and painkillers given during labour that finally exits your body through waste.
I did not pass any stools for a week, I thought ok it’ll come no need for panic. I had at least three episodes in one day of a hardcore battle with my toilet seat, being on my hands and knees with a bottle of water by my side, a bottle of Lactulose in one hand, and my Mum trying to comfort and rub my back with the baby in the other arm.
You cannot stop the gross feeling of not being able to pass poop, be prepared. Perhaps adding Lactulose along with my pain killers could have helped. Do not wait to release your bowels, do it as soon as you feel like you can otherwise you may be in trouble, I did warn you.
#No 3 – TAKE A NAP WHEN BABY DOES!
A no brainer but you hear about the sleepless nights, ‘The Twilight Zone feeling like Mombie – it’s all real.
No caffeine, herbal teas will help those sleepless nights. I suffer from high levels of OCD bit of a Monika from friends, so you can imagine my excitement (cue the sarcasm) when I knew I was expecting a baby.
And looking ahead to the joys of a messy household, trails of baby stuff everywhere, cleaning up after ourselves continuously, so when you finally have a sleeping baby I learnt to turn a blind eye on all the bomb like mess, piles of laundry and all the gathered dust and just NAP TOO! Forget about being Monika from Friends
So when do I spring clean or get around to doing any chores I hear you cry? get organised and schedule it.
Takes me an hour, two tops to do a bit of a spring clean, chucking in the laundry to make my surroundings slightly liveable – clean space, clear mind.
Or when you know you have those extra pair of hands helping you use that time wisely, ask if whilst they watch baby you can go and finish off your chores to-do list, but remember to prioritise the important tasks first.
Proioritse REST first you will need to conserve all that energy for the next round of baby duties!
#No 4 – MY UNIQUE CONTRACTION RHYTHM
This one is geared more towards the end of your Third trimester/labour stage but I thought I would share this as it’s an interesting one to mention and which still puzzles me to this day.
I learned in my antenatal classes there were three stages of labour, I naively thought everyone follows the same pattern. Do not expect the typical contraction rhythm – everyone will be different, why did nobody tell me this? So happened I had a ‘unique rhythm’ and you might too.
If your contractions are three-five minutes apart in a steady pattern for more than an hour it’s a protocol to call the hospital and you will need to go in. I was told by nearly all the midwives I had seen during my labour I indeed had a unique contraction rhythm.
My contractions came far apart then the next close together. You may not have the expected contraction rhythm everyone talks about. I lost my mucus plug very slowly over the space of five long days coming up to my giving birth.
I had started my contractions two days before giving birth, and they weren’t ‘Braxton hicks’ as I thought, I just had a different contraction rhythm.
I went to the hospital and was sent home, I could hardly walk out of the labour ward my contractions were that intense yet because I had a different rhythm I was sent back home, absolute ludicrous *A note to myself for the next baby and if I suspect the contractions feel the same
I know my contraction rhythm there is NO LATENT STAGE FOR ME and I refuse to be contracting at home with no gas and air!
#No 5 – IT’S OK NOT TO BE BREASTFEEDING
I knew little to none about the single most important part of the fourth trimester, which is feeding the baby. I had to go a lot with what I know and read about, then some hearsay.
Let’s make this as simple as possible; a baby does not begin weaning until they are four-six months.
Definition of weaning; baby being accustomed to food, other than milk from Mothers boom booms or formula milk, you can mix feed.
So the first three months are pretty crucial when they rely on nothing but milk so you are then to make that conscious decision, do I breastfeed or formula feed? Maybe I mix feed?
It wasn’t a topic I learnt much about in my antenatal classes, it was surprisingly the last topic we looked into in my antenatal classes.
The classes were great, my teacher; a midwife was hands down a lovely lady along with the whole of my midwifery team and I thoroughly enjoyed the classes, there just wasn’t enough encouragement or information about bottle feeding, everything appeared to me just about breastfeeding and extended classes for ‘how to breastfeed’.
My health visitor handed me an A4 sheet of paper again, with endless lists of centres to visit for breastfeeding advice, all material’s focused on the same principles; how to latch, ‘freezing breast milk, it’s all so brilliant, but excuse me for finding little to none about bottle-feeding anywhere?
I received an overload of ‘how to’ breastfeed the reaping benefits of breast milk, I even spoke with Mothers, who just told me breastfeed your baby, just try and stick it out I get it society makes it that breast milk is the most optimal option to feed baby, and if you can, then do it – and oh the pressure.
Right from the get-go I already knew I was happy to give breastfeeding a go, as simple as. YES, breast milk is ideal but not any better.
I do have faith that the community of Mothers today will just support women in whatever choice they make to feed their babies – let’s all stop trying to justify which is better.
I couldn’t believe how controversial the topic was until I read all sorts of stuff about this ongoing debate.
There are scientific facts to proof breastfed babies are healthier but not better human beings. I am confident enough that science today makes formulas to replicate all the goodness a baby needs just as breast milk does, just with a few more benefits that would put your child at less of an unnecessary risk to their health compared to such things as being exposed to bad family dynamics.
I exclusively breastfeed for two weeks straight, I winged it to be honest I thought that when baby arrives I would just stick them on my boobies and hope for the best, there were some real significant factors to why I was not able to continue breastfeeding, and then came the knowing its ok that you are not breastfeeding guilt trip I gave myself.
I hung on in there for a month or two on and off, because of my slow recovery and developing an infection from my episiotomy I chose to stop breastfeeding being given antibiotics.
Doctor’s advice its ok to breastfeed and take antibiotics, there are specific antibiotics you can take whilst breast feeding I made a personal choice not to I didn’t want to take that risk even if it was only a small percent of the antibiotics being transferred to baby, it was my own personal choice.
Lucas also developed severe eczema that went out of control and we could not pinpoint if it was down to an allergy he had from my breast milk, and what I might possibly be eating and transferring to him through my breast milk so I chose to stop, that was a hard decision but had no choice of the matter, going in blindly not knowing what it was that he was allergic to.
Yes I could have tried to take out gluten, dairy, or whatever it was out of my diet but unless I knew exactly what it was that was causing his severe eczema and reflux or had a shortlist of foods that it might even be, we could have been guessing weeks on end.
Until he was old enough to have an allergy test we would never really know (he was allergic to egg whites and certain nuts at the end) I tried to produce milk for two weeks without success.
Lucas also suffered acid reflux, this was terrifying. I had Lucas bringing up milk and this might of been normal to some and you just need to burp them right? Acid reflex can come in different levels of severity, Lucas suffered from severe acid reflux I thought the worst can he have something wrong with his digestive system? if you don’t have the resources you become in limbo the not knowing, let me tell you acid reflux is challenging if you do not know how to remedy it.
I promised myself that I would not give myself such a hard time if I was not able to breastfeed – it’s natural you do feel that guilt.
Society has made it a stigma around the whole ‘ breastfeeding is better’ me probably posting this could be outlining that stigma but what I want to get across is that it is ok to not be breastfeeding, because in hindsight and if you put it into perspective it’s not what you feed your baby – you can never really win around this topic.
Let’s remember, babies can still intake a lot of nutrients through different types of vegetables and fruits, and fermented foods or probiotics which are fantastic for babies’ gut health, do get the ok from your GP first if you do decide you would like to give your baby any form of probiotics.
I know that bottle-feeding was great for Lucas and his father to bond. Sharing the duties of feeding Lucas was great for us and it worked, it helped me get back to myself and quickly gain the strength I so needed to look after the single most precious thing in the world to me.
Do give it a shot, unless you choose not to, and if it doesn’t work for you for whatever reason then that’s ok.
I know Mums who have had happy and intelligent kinds being formula fed, a couple of ear infections here and there but nothing too sinister or major.
For that very short period I did breastfeed, I took it upon myself to pump two weeks before my due date.
I started to naturally leak from that point onwards, at that stage you will be getting your breasts to post ready for producing more when baby arrives, I took the initiative to drink a lot of liquids and soup (nursing tea), pump daily and at least four-six times a day for up to 25-30 minutes.
Little man was eventually put on Neocate formula which is a formula specialised for babies who have an allergy to regular milk formula, at the moment we are enjoying weaning him and hallelujah his silent reflux gradually went away.
He is a giggly, happy cheeky baby and we wouldn’t have had it any other way in what we ended up feeding him.
#No 6 – TRUST YOUR MATERNAL INSTINCTS
When Lucas caught scarlet fever our paediatrician told us up until they reach six years old they will catch all sorts of nasty viruses – they could catch the flu next week, it is their way of building up their immunity.
What can I do to help avoid this? Natural ailments perhaps – you could spend all weekend in A&E and be robbed of your entire weekend so don’t do that instead trust your maternal instincts.
Having spoken to so many Mothers the best piece of advice I gathered is to, always go with your maternal instincts I have had so many disregards from my GP’s sent away with the wrong diagnosis.
I even had my GP google my son’s diagnosis on google, I mean we shouldn’t be doing that we should have trust with the medical institute of the NHS.
A medical student was there to second opinion his so-called ‘diagnosis’, scary huh? I just always knew in the depth of my gut that something wasn’t right, and the probability that there might be something wrong is most definitely guaranteed.
I was dismissed from GP’s at A&E regarding Lucas’s silent reflux, that it was just colic, I fought my way and demanded to speak to a senior paediatrician, my plead was answered and we finally were seen to someone who listened and gave us the right treatment plan – in life I have always gone with my gut and so should you. Listen to it – it never lies.
The maternal instincts you have are one of the senses Mothers are blessed with, so stay in tune with them it is your third sense – use it. Life in general always stick to your instincts.
You will get a visit from a Health Visitor in the first month of you giving Birth, be bombarded with useful information about who they are, and how they will be of help until your child is five years old.
The NHS midwifery team will hand over what is called a childs little red book, I found this little red book extremely handy.
The little red book is a child’s own personal health record, have a read through, it might seem a little overwhelming as you flick through the many pages but I was pleasantly surprised by the amount of helpful information.
I was able to keep up to date with Lucas’s immunisations, his weight, anything medical-related, I have even scribbled in the note section myself.
#No 7 – DIASTASIS RECTI
The postpartum sag, my midwife told me my belly would eventually go down in a month or two, I anticipated it. Before pregnancy I was a gym bunny, then pregnancy took over and I hadn’t worked out consistently only up until a year ago.
By the fourth month, I still looked six months pregnant, then I discovered I could have something called Diastasis Recti, pronounced; DI-AS-TA-SIS REC-TI.
For a long time I was humorously calling it Disaster Recti peering down at my belly it certainly looked like a disaster, it is the abdominal separation of your supposed six-pack muscles, they tear apart and stretch from being pregnant.
No amount of sit-ups can fix it nor crunches can help it go away, they are the least recommended kind of exercise to be doing.
I was hearing scary stuff like surgery can be the only solution. Of course, that wasn’t the case, I educated myself and found some helpful tips on how to slowly begone that ‘mommy tummy’.
You need to focus on the tva muscles; Transverse abdominal muscles, they are located under the obliques, the deepest of the abdominal muscles, they wrap around your spine for protection and stability, so think of the muscles around your sides.
Once you understand where these muscles are you will be able to help work them and strengthen those muscles. Coincidentally, I also started to suffer this mysterious lower tail bone ache, it was this ache I got when I sat down and upon standing up I felt a bruise-like ache, I figured it was because of my weak core muscles.
Youtube have some really good complex simple workouts to follow, remember the good ole kegel exercises in the Third Trimester? do a couple of them a day.
One breathing technique that worked absolute wonders for me was Diaphragmatic breathing; please note that kegel and breathing exercises alone do not begone that pregnancy pouch, they can help it partially go down within a long duration of time with the mindfulness you are doing them correctly, but not get rid of it completely.
You can do Diaphragmatic breathing by just keeping your back straight or leaning against a wall; place your hands on your lower stomach just under your belly button or on top of your lower rib cage, as you exhale contract your diaphragm (they named this the corset effect, another way of doing this imagine drawing in your belly in towards your spine) when you inhale release your diaphragm, but not to the extent that you are just puffing out your belly, you need to hold out when you contract your diaphragm.
I attempted to do this at least 10 times a day, and you can do this anywhere whilst you are sitting watching TV, standing up, if you are unsure there are lots of helpful video demonstrations on youtube.
And then I found an exercise I enjoyed and got giddy about; Barrecore, a workout meant to be for dancers and ballerinas, like yoga mixed with some ballet elements, a workout used to cult your muscles.
Although Barrecore isn’t specifically a workout for DS, some if not most of the workout exercises certainly help focus on your TVA muscles. If I had healed sooner I probably would have started it earlier – it has slowly strengthened my core as well as my glutes, looks like I got more than I bargained for by discovering Barre Core.
I am aware the idea of a ‘workout’ postpartum might make you feel faint, but if you find the straightforward slow-paced movement exercises and try some breathing techniques, anything that involves keeping you in the supine position, not raising your head or shoulders off the floor, SQUATS are a fantastic exercise to help DR, any exercise that targets the back are great.
Back muscles are part of your core muscles and work with your abdominal also, the key is also good posture.
Dry brushing your belly in a clockwise motion helps, diet and nutrition easily come hand in hand in helping the belly go down, obviously don’t be shoving ice cream and fries down your gut if you want to lose that Mummy tums.
#No 8 – HAIR LOSS
I had visited a Trichologist five years ago, I had severe hair loss due to stress, to think of losing more hair anytime after that frightened the living daylights out of me.
Along came three months postpartum came along. My hair fell out like there was no tomorrow, I had honestly thought I would go Britney bald. It was normal according to other Mothers and my GP – so do not be alarmed if you begin to see more hair down the drain than usual. Mine lasted for three-four months, my hair also looked limp and lifeless.
No haircut made it any better. I just had that Mommy ponytail at all times, eating avocados, healthy fats and keeping hydrated is what I believe helped my hair come back to life also, less hair drying and a coconut scalp massage worked wonders.
I did just wake up one day and the shedding had stopped. I tried hair capsules and they did not seem to make any difference.
You will need to just ride it through. The hormonal imbalance after giving birth drops, your oestrogen level plummets so this is what causes the ‘post Partum hair loss, don’t worry it will pass and you will not go bald.
#No 9 – IGNORE SUBLIMINAL, UNSOLICITED ADVICE, AND THE ODD STEREO-TYPE COMMENTS
You will get that one person, the ‘Mrs or Mr know it all’, we’ve been there, done it all and they will make that subliminal comment about ‘how not to hold your baby’ or criticise your parenting skills and make comments indirectly, just take it in the ear and out the other approach.
Ok, from those who have maybe reared a few of their own, surely they know the know but their advice isn’t always the best for your own, times are now changing.
Numerous times did I question my parenting skills due to comments from others. It’s really simple, do not take any unsolicited advice, just smile, say thank you, grin happily, agree and stick to your way. The beauty of being a first-time parent is you learn along the way, everything is trial and error.
You won’t get it right the first time around, just allow yourself to be a Mum or Dad and don’t mind what others say – take everything with a pinch of salt. It is OUT-DATED, the stereotype perception that Dad is the secondary carer’s for their children.
I am a feminist through and through, but let’s just please move with the time.
Let’s support Fathers out there and treat them as equally as we do Mothers when it comes to parenting, it is not a competition – surely both parents do the best they can to bring up their child – it is about time these whole Dads are the less competent palaver be put to an end, stop the generalisation.
The fact does remain, we will live in a world with all the cultural and political isms unthinkable.
Although I read somewhere that nine out of ten men, if offered longer paternity leave, would refuse it – what happens to the latter who wish they change the law of ‘2 weeks’ paternity and spend more time with their baby?!
As the topic of breastfeeding, it is of a sensitive subject for all and the debate goes on, some may say stop being so sensitive, language speaks volumes and that is how these long, redundant generalisations come about.
So next time you are on the receiving end to a very stereotype comment as like the subliminal comment smile politely and do whatever you were doing from the very start – don’t care!
#ENJOY IT AND DON’T FORGET TO *BREATHE*
And finally, we all get overly prepared and consumed during all the trimesters.
But when the baby arrives the ‘Postpartum’ they call it, this continues until they are at least one year old, then comes a new chapter – two-ager, then three-ager?
I now have a six year old and I still feel like I am in the Twilight zone.
You get so caught up in it all you forget to take a moment to just enjoy it. Amongst it all, I still managed to capture and relish some beautiful and unforgettable moments. Regardless of my roller coaster of emotions, it is a surreal thing seeing them change every single day, I find myself staring at my little man for hours on end.
Just remember to *breathe* you can never really anticipate what happens in the ‘fourth trimester’ until you are in it. If you are a first time Mum just be YOU and do the best you think you can do, you will find your feet – it took me a while, I still get lost now and again.
Motherhood, parenting is life affirming and humbling and truly rewarding. Somewhere down the line you will smile more than you will be sighing.