Divide & Conquering the role as a Caregiver to an Elderly parent.
Empowering your role as a Caregiver…
Did you know 61 per cent of women are Caregivers?
My role as a Caregiver took me by surprise, it is a true testament of real labour of love. Taking a role as a parent can be life affirming and humbling yet exhausting, throw being a carer to the mix and things can get complicated – I hear you.
I was in A&E early on a Monday morning. My Dad needed a dermatologist, and I felt like I had jet lag. I was hungry and didn’t have time for a coffee. I was on edge and worried about how I would be able to pick up my six-year-old on time from school, we had not even seen triage yet.
The receptionist at the emergency room asked me for some details about my Dad. I said all of the details without a breath of hesitation. The receptionist told me he was impressed and couldn’t remember all the details concisely, commending me on what a good daughter I am.
When my Mum died now four years ago, we were heartbroken; we were not ready. Back then, my Dad was pretty mobile and independent in some respects. He was still very much spoiled by my Mum – their marriage was based on a traditional Asian setup of the woman fetching the man’s slippers and the woman doing the cooking and cleaning – a different generation in itself, this setup is heavily evident in Filipino culture.
My Dad still needed some level of care – it was a big sacrifice from me part checking in when I could, until we figured out how big of a role my Mum played in his dependency.
The hardest thing is to witness your parent’s mortality, the shift in their daily speech, how they move, and losing touch with the simplest of tasks. In the past year, my Dad has lost his filter completely. He started forgetting things. At one point, we suspected dementia, and the Doctors ruled this out thankfully but as aspect we needed to keep an eye on; he practically went backwards and became a child. He became partially deaf in one ear, and his hard of hearing and communication skills have been compromised. Physically appeared frailer; in addition to these natural ageing components is the language barrier.
He is tough to deal with, and patience is vital; there is always a certain threshold when patience is tested.
In the beginning, nothing had changed much. I could still dive into the activities I loved; I had to prioritise my time and follow a strict time management schedule with minor adjustments. A significant change was that I got back into the game with my fitness – before I fell pregnant, I loved going to the gym and keeping fit. This was more of an excuse to get back into it, as well as being able to run after Lucas and be a good parent. One of my core reasons for keeping to my fitness game is to keep me hyper-focused.
I anticipated the day would come when my Dad needed extra attention and needed me full-time. I had many questions: How would it be humanely possible to keep my role as a parent to my younger child? How would I get on with life, especially if I was starting a new career and timeline in my life?
It took me a while to understand this responsibility I could not escape. I went in unthinkingly, or maybe this was my coping mechanism or pure denial. The quicker you understand your role, the easier it will become to recognise what is expected of you as a caregiver, understand what you can do, and face the responsibility.
Over the Easter holidays, I contemplated making this post purely because I like to keep some parts of my life private. However, during some Easter holidays, I learned to find gifts and opportunities in stressful situations.
Not only was it cathartic to write, but if this is read by someone who may be in the same position as I am, then small win. The moment I stepped into my carer role, I could not find any resources online to help me understand this estranged role I had for my Father apart from the Carers Network, a hub for sources online to support any Carer in their tricky role as a Caregiver to an ageing parent. I have always wanted to tell my story so that I feel comfortable; being a caregiver is something I can relate to – it’s bloody hard work whilst juggling parenting.
I have learnt a lot about myself in the process; you only know how much strength you have once it’s needed. I will be able to delve deeper into my role as a Caregiver, how challenging it truly is, and how this role and being a parent to my child can genuinely test me.
Patience is KEY! I have learnt to approach my role with compassion, patience and resilience. I do my best, but sometimes I feel like I am waiting for the next crisis around the corner, paying the bills, taking my Dad to the Doctors, early hospital appointments, and straightening out/picking up prescriptions. I use my work and small hobbies as a closet away from stress, grabbing free times to unwind I find myself chasing my own tail.
I am spread thin with morning and early evening visits to the hospital each month and emergencies added into the mix. Somehow, after a few months, I created a schedule that worked for everyone— sometimes except me. My life revolves around my 84-year-old Father whilst also being a parent, the hardest part was accepting my role.
This is one of the core reasons I have a good relationship with my passions and fitness (when time permits) and its benefits for my health and well-being.
So here is my mini survival guide on practical advice for caring for a parent whilst also being a parent.
01 – Force some time for yourself *even if it is as little as 10 minutes* take a break.
This one is easier said than done; trust me, it will benefit you.
I time block my day; this includes 10 minutes in my busy schedule to sit down and ‘just be’. You might feel overwhelmed, and 10 minutes might seem like a long shot. You don’t need to do anything in those 10 minutes; shut your eyes; treat it like a higher form of meditation.
Schedule that 10 minutes into your Google calendar with an alert or even a 30-minute walk with your headphones on. The only time I benefit from this is when I wake before my alarm to spend to meditate; I utilise that time to switch it off.
02 – Plan your week and set any reminders – Do the ‘3 realistic to do’ hack
Only some of us are blessed with superb organisational skills. I plan my week to a tee. I use Sunday to insert everything in my Google calendar; as we know, time is gold, and scheduling every one of your tasks right down to groceries could be a game changer but also not realsitic but at least you have made a roadmap of where to place yourself during the day.
I use my Google calendar to plan everything; bear with me while I contemplate moving over to Notion. Trello works for me work-wise, and I add it to my Google calendar even if a task is tedious. If you thrive on feeling accomplished, I know everybody needs some urgent tasks; list three realistic ‘to do’s’ on your ‘need to do’ list.
Refrain from beating yourself up if you cannot fulfil the task you were meant to set out for yourself that day—move it to the next day or sparsely balance it within the week. The trick is not to be hard on yourself. Recently I have changed up my routine and give myself more flexibility instead of keeping to a strict army like rota, I have given myself more time to take things at my pace instead or rushing and doing each task back to back.
03 – Seek to Carers network
The Carers Network is an independent local charity. Its vision is that every unpaid carer should be recognised, and it helps those in positions like mine fulfil a healthy life with control over their caring role.
The Carers Network was a Godsend when I first stepped into my role as a carer; I did not feel alone. The excellent team gives great advice and support if you need help with your carer role in London. I am subscribed to their newsletter for ongoing activities and events linked to your caring role. They help support unpaid carers with everything from legal advice to health and well-being advice and support.
I have sought a lot of help with the Carers Network.
04—You might have a stubborn and overbearing parent to handle this. Find the mindset that YOU are doing the best you can. Acknowledge what you cannot control. Set boundaries with yourself.
You need to be more appreciated by the person you care for. Caring for someone you love doesn’t always make you happy, giving, or caring. Sometimes, you may even hate the person you’re caring for and know, that is OK your emotions are valid do not feel judged.
At the end, my Dad is my Dad but always set some boundaries.
They might treat you like a servant, or you feel like a maid.
The care you provide may go unnoticed, and it has happened to me thrown back to my face – KNOW THAT YOU ARE DOING YOUR BEST!
The sooner you realise you cannot change people’s reactions and opinions, the better.
Taking care of your parent means caring for someone whom you are more used to caring for you than the other way around. You may feel betrayed or angry. Giving into your rage and shouting at someone you care for can lead to intense guilt.
Our thoughts and saboteurs challenge us daily. Embrace your role as a carer. The hardest part of my journey was accepting that I was a carer. I was almost in denial of my role, finding it hard to grasp that I was a carer—in a way, I dismissed it.
Give it to yourself that you are doing good and what you do is the best you can do.
I know my role and how to keep things simple with my connection with my Father. I set boundaries and don’t make it complicated; it is simple.
05—Don’t be afraid to ask for help—having the courage to seek help is a strength.
Help and a sound support system can help you. I have an older brother to whom we try to delegate help; however, it is not always possible. If you find people offering help, take it. Discuss the issues with your support system; discussing the problems is essential.
06—Find whatever positive antidotes and vices work to keep you sane and engage in them as often as possible to feel normal and calm. Lose yourself in those anecdotes. They will be your escapism, loose yourself in what you love.
First and foremost, my son is my one of my most important positive antidotes that keep me sane, he drives me crazy yes – obviously parenting is challenging but on the plus side he keeps my spirits high I am blessed to have such a unique child.
I once was flexible when my Dad required less assistance. I was immersed in my hobbies and just ‘being’.
Where will I find time?
It does not need to be scheduled in your week. It goes hand in hand with finding 10 minutes in your day to just breathe and meditate. I write songs and play the guitar; I have had a romance with music ever since I was little—this is my little vice. Find YOUR vice. What is your little something you run to when you want to block out the world? I have my two guitars next to me at my desk at home—it is my escape. I play around with music production and Logic Pro keeps me stimulated.
I also like to drive out of London and go for a long drive on the weekend (sometimes they need to be scheduled and spontaneity can be tricky) it gives me a deep sense of escape I feel like my sense of mental states is completely clear when I have come back from a long drive — the gym is also a great sanctuary it gives me a sense of accomplishment and benefits me in many ways.
07 – Put your affairs in order
It’s a scary territory when you say to someone established, ‘Let’s get our affairs in order’; basically, it is adulting on another level. It is most liberating if you have a family, so you know your future is in reassuring order.
Most people avoid this part: all the paperwork. It can be a sensitive subject for anyone, especially older people—it can be an invasive subject that does not like to be spoken about. Reviewing specific future needs can be like stepping away from reality and what one day could happen. It can make you feel secure and have peace of mind.
Talk about the arrangements for what will come – inheritance, death service payments this is vital – don’t leave until the last minute.
And finally…
Learn to forgive yourself.
I find this photo reflective of how roles have reversed, this was taken in 2019 we were back in the Philippines, my Dad was competent giving to my son, how ironic that a few years later I have had to empower my role as a Caregiver – being a Caregiver is a real labour of love.
Caregivers’ work can be debilitating, often tedious, and unyielding. However, it is sometimes possible to be at the top of your game if you follow some practical tips. Even that might feel overwhelming, so do what you can.
I have spent many nights awake wondering how I will get through the next day, anxious for the next emergency, the stickler in me comes into full play.
I started staying awake at night, examining, analysing my conscience, and remembering my shortcomings with deep regret. Don’t allow yourself to wallow in that feeling.
Forgive yourself at the end of every day, more often if necessary, for your excellent work. You should remind yourself of this in the goodness of your heart. What you do is honourable, and you deserve to feel good about yourself. If you know you are doing good, that is all that matters.
Practical and Emotional Tips for Care-givers