Keeping to the same theme as last week’s blog post, in which I shared being a Caregiver to my Dad, this subject goes hand in hand.
(I promise a style post will be coming very soon.)
I have always said that I desire not to pass on certain habits and behavioural attitudes to my child – I feel strongly about this.
I have learned many values from being raised in a traditional background, many of which I keep close to my heart. I am proud of my culture; generation cycles can stem from certain cultures, although that isn’t entirely true for all Cultural backgrounds. The traits, habits, attitudes, and behaviour patterns are universal.
On the other hand, I wish not to repeat some habits and attitudes I was exposed to as a child.
Let’s start by understanding that our children need us. To be better parents, we must be good to ourselves. A big part of this includes breaking generational cycles. Self-care isn’t another buzzword or trend; it is something we owe ourselves to do.
Did you know that 70% of mental health problems have their onset during childhood or adolescence?
This subject stems deeper for me as I have had trauma from being amidst generation cycles. Also, confronting the fact that my Father was emotionally absent for most of my childhood is difficult to accept and an emotional process, especially realising it when I am an adult and challenging now being a Caregiver to my Father.
Breaking generational cycles meant facing the truth about how my childhood presented itself. I had a happy childhood with fond memories—I did, but none of them involved my Father. This meant going back in time and realising I had one fond memory with my Dad, who was teaching me to ride a bike.
After 39 years, I heal now, making my role as a carer even more challenging.
I am reading The Absent Father Effect on Daughters by Susan E Schwartz. Reading keeps me in knowledge and not for a solution, but to help me process that this subject can be significant for women.
Something as “simple” as having a parent who was emotionally unavailable or dissociated during our childhood can have significant effects on us as adults. These are all things that cause us to develop unhealthy communication skills, coping mechanisms and behaviours, which in turn negatively affect our kids. Recognising this is the first stage of healing.
If I were to remember one thing, growing up, my parents being what I call ‘overprotective,’ I was wrapped around with cotton wool. Without realising it at the time, I realised it wasn’t healthy; I got stuck in behavioural habits, behaviours and coping mechanisms.
I teach/model Lucas three lessons daily: to feel brave, kind, and happy. If I know I am wrong, I apologise; I put my guard down and say sorry.
We see all kinds of trauma from one’s childhood, from violent and domestic abuse, physical abuse, being subject to addictions and criminal activity, neglect, emotional abuse, limited attachment, and mental abuse, which is significant and can be the most catastrophic.
Here are my seven ways to make healthy choices in moving forward from breaking away from Generation cycles;
01 – Teach your children to ‘let go’ and giving them the freedom to express themselves.
I make Lucas show up so he can express his feelings. I start the day with communication, such as ‘How are you feeling today?’ ‘What do YOU want to do today?’
I make sure he knows he can talk to me and express anything on his mind, even at age 6 – nothing is OFF limits!
I did a few performances in front of my Mum when I was younger, and I went to Performing arts school from 6 to 10 years old. Sadly, I did not pursue this, but I kept a love for music and singing until now.
One of the reasons we have our children go to drama classes, participate in activities, and join after-school clubs that can help with their personal development and identity is excellent.
Allow your children to be FREE and let themselves express themselves on other ways. I do this with Lucas all the time, put on loud music at home, and he sings and dances (our neighbours must hate us by now). He sings along as I play the guitar – there are no limits. Numerous times we get the karaoke machine, and I gave him the microphone and let him do a sing off. Recently, I have been teaching him to get on his penny board and finding joy in falling off as part of the learning process; even him just sitting on it and me pushing gives him a sense of letting his inhibitions go.
02 – Therapy -You can be the first to do this
I have turned to therapy twice; my first treatment was in 2021. It was coping with my Mum’s death; it is all well, saying you don’t need treatment, and you can ride it out, as they say, but speaking to someone who was not friends or family in a safe place. This was my only coping mechanism to understand the impact my Mum’s death had on me and also to understand how to care for a parent who was emotionally absent for most of my life – a safe place to speak to somebody who was not a friend or family.
I also began activities and vices to help me build my self-worth.
Speaking up about my Mum and how she may have suffered from mental health is a little bit of a sensitive subject to open up about. But the struggles I sensed she had and did not speak about because, in our parent’s generation and cultural societies as we know it, there was no such thing as mental health; it is unheard of. You learn to keep it to yourself, get on and deal with it. Little do I know, she has a lot of emotions bottled up. I saw it break my Mum down slowly until she got very sick. She was not being able to repair something that was broken.
What I have learnt is everyone deserves the need to heal.
Know you should not be ashamed of seeking to talk to someone.
03 – No more smacking & No harsh punishments
I don’t believe in physical punishments – we can all agree to disagree; in my opinion, hitting can lead to trauma. It is about making a safe environment for your child. The use of physical force against children has deep roots.
Children depend on the adults around them for survival. So when children experience pain from the person who’s supposed to keep them safe, it’s one of the worst kinds of harm they can experience. Their nervous system, designed to keep them safe, begins to get sculpted around the constant threat, creating brain circuitries that are vigilant, reactive, and dysregulated. At the same time, their attachment system needs to keep them in the relationship, so it devises all kinds of excuses: “It’s not that bad;” “I deserved it;” “It made me a better person,” etc. In other words, children dissociate from their feelings of pain and fear.
In other words, children dissociate from their feelings of pain and fear.
Talk to my children verbally, and stay away from violence.
My purpose is to be a role model to my son, they require our patience and good examples. Try talking to your child; do not resort to physical; our children are emotionally intelligent and loving at every age. We were once children. What would you tell your little self now? Think of this when you discipline your child.
04 – Keeping toxic family at an arms distance.
You want to protect yourself and your child from any unhealthy relationships you have with family, setting boundaries with toxic family members and avoiding visiting them. Keeping them close is a choice; it is not an obligation—trust me, I have had my fair share of toxic family members, some of whom do not know me or add value to me. The only way forward is to cut ties with family who do not know your worth. This is for your general well-being as well as that of your children.
Many people often have an opinion, but they are still blood; they are still your Uncles or Aunties, for example. It can be tricky, but boundaries are needed for peace and to keep a safe and sound environment for both children and parents. Sometimes, it can be all about trust and being in touch with your maternal instincts; you always will know what is right.
05 – Saying sorry to your child first – learning to give in.
Apologising can feel liberating, right? You feel better once you do, like a weight lifted off your shoulders. I feel better apologising first, even if I know I may have been right. I used to give in even with my Mum; we may not have seen eye to eye, and I would first apologise.
Learning to let your defences down with your children can be vital to breaking generational cycles. I am not saying to do this on every occasion of a conflict or misunderstanding; how would one know any better in the future? But learn to sometimes let your defences down as a parent and learn to forgive first.
06 – Make a conscious effort to set an example – free from gender stereotypes
A big one for me is to eradicate compartmentalising the roles of men and women stereotypes in households and society – my Auntie gave me unsolicited advice when my Mum passed; I should be cooking I should be doing the housework, impending this should be my role – this was an Auntie who has never brought value to my life but thought she needed to tell me I need to live in the generation she grew up in which I am in disagreement of – and that is OK. The expectations others have of you can be all linked to Generation cycles – breaking this can make an integral difference to you and your children, this is extended at present with Caregiving to my Dad.
I want my son to grow up in a gender-equal mindset; I would like to free him from gender stereotypes -overcome the idea that women can do just as good as men and vice versa. I set the example of equal partnership in men’s and women’s roles.
07 – Be your child’s best friend – this is a game-changer more than you know.
This, if not, is the most valuable takeaway from breaking away from the generation cycles for me and from experience – having an absent parent has made me bond with Lucas. I want to make sure we are friends, definitely within reason. This brings me to whether there is one thing I have learnt through my parenting – that becoming your child’s friend is vital to how you thrive on a good and safe connection with your child; this has to do with generation cycles. Due to my Father’s absence, I want to be the opposite of my son – our relationship bond is essential and unique to me.
